I Mean It

Sometimes you want to look at someone and say “I know things haven’t worked out like we planned, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you.

On days like that, my words aren’t enough. I could (no literally, I actually could) type out page after page; I would try to be eloquent, but those words would never come close to measuring up to how I truly feel. Some days I am overwhelmed by the idea that I could never properly express all the emotions welling up inside me, no matter how hard I tried. Some days I just have let go and give in as those feelings take over. Get lost in them and not come up for air.

It’s not about casual friendship, romantic love, or even lust. It’s about how you feel when you care about someone so deeply that you move to a place beyond any normal friendship to actually feeling like you have a stake in how their life turns out. More than wanting them to be happy, you feel as though your own happiness hinges on theirs. You start to think that, given enough time, you can fix their problems for them. You cry because their life hasn’t been easy and rejoice when things finally start to go right.

For reasons you will never understand, the universe has decided that the two of you are intrinsically linked, and you know you couldn’t stop caring about them, loving them, no matter how hard you tried.

The writer of that article must live inside my head. Must follow me around and know how I feel about you. They must know what I’m dying to say to you in a desperate attempt get you to understand. Know that I miss there being an us for people to give stupid nicknames to. I wish you would come back, because I would give anything in the world to be there for you again.

Missing you is a feeling so fierce that it literally cripples me if it finds me off my guard. It makes me catch my breath and fight back tears in the middle of a meeting. Sit down on the stairs after unexpectedly seeing your name on my phone because it had been so long since I’d heard from you. I think about you constantly, only because I’m trying so desperately not to think about you. The internal struggle is enough to make me crazy.

Reading that article made me face up to all those feelings I’ve been trying to hide from myself. That yes, my happiness really does hinge on yours. I want my best friend back. Because when I said that I would be there for you, no matter what, I meant it. And I still do.


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