I’ve written on it before (and I think about it always), but writing is always easier for me when I’m sad. Emotions that hurt seem to pour out of my fingertips while ones that elate me get a little stuck between my brain and the page.
That’s not to say that the words don’t come when I’m happy. They’re always there, forming themselves into perfect sentences as I lay in bed each morning, so eloquent and refined. They just don’t come here, because when the time comes to actually get up and write them down? I find that there are puppy cuddles to be had and the comforting arms of the man I love to keep me half asleep just long enough to remember why I’m so happy in the first place.
Happiness has a way of entrenching itself in my life in a way that sadness just can’t match. While despair may keep me at my keyboard, jubilation keeps me out, living in the world and away from writing.
So if that’s true, then I must be having the best 8 months of my life, right?
It really has been wonderful. Sure, there have been some tough times. Times so hard that I couldn’t fathom writing about them. Times that threatened to undo everything I thought I had accomplished, pushed me further than I ever wanted to go. There were times in the last 8 months that made me question every single thing about who I thought I was.
But I pushed through, and I am so much stronger for it. I know myself more deeply and can love who I am, even through my flaws. Those days felt like hell, but now, standing on the other side, I know they were worth it.
I’ve had so many incredible experiences with the wonderful people who now fill my life, and I wouldn’t trade it (or them) for the world. The realization of what (and who) is actually important could never have come without hardship and heartbreak.
So, in the past 8 months, I’ve just lived.
I played so much volleyball (and fetch!). I slept in and read fantastic books. I sat out on patios, played board games, and baked more cupcakes than I care to count. One Saturday, I came home to the most fantastic Arrested Development-themed surprise birthday party (complete with banana stand, George Senior pinata, and Final Countdown theme music). We drank Tobias-inspired cocktails–think blue man and never nude–and laughed hysterically when I set my cake on fire.
When your life is full of puppies and cupcakes and friends, why would you want to make time for much else?
And yet, here I am. The changing of the seasons is calling me back. It’s nostalgia, I’m sure. For what my life was like at this time last year. In a few short weeks, I’ll have been with an amazing, loving, perfect man for an entire year. I adore our life together, and I find myself giggling like a little girl as I remember what it was like to fall in love with him.
My posts at this time last year were sad. Filled with doubt and uncertainty. But feeling broken for a little while led me to feeling whole again.
It is beyond incredible to look back on it now and smile at how much has changed. I am forever grateful for this year. For the months upon months of radio silence that allowed me to fill my life with joy rather than fill a page on the Internet with sadness. Grateful that my life has come full circle, and I can’t wait to see what the next year will bring.