I am immensely envious of the people who know exactly where they want their lives to go. I’ve worked with and known a large number of people who are exactly like that. It’s as if they woke up one morning and the sun was shining through the window, illuminating a little map–here’s what you’re supposed to do! This is what you’re good at, how you’re supposed to make a living! Now go get it done!!
I hate you people.
Although I really don’t. Don’t be mad at me, because I didn’t mean it, I swear. I know you’ve probably worked crazy hard to get where you are. Questioned yourself a million times before figuring it out. There probably wasn’t actually a map. (Probably.) I get it. But once you’ve found that thing you love to do, everyone can tell. It radiates off of you. And God does that make me jealous.
Currently, I am an editor at a healthcare marketing company. People send me the things they’ve written, and I do my best to fix it for them. As my mom says, I just like to tell people exactly how they went wrong and hope I can get someone to pay me for it. It’s kind of a socially acceptable form of being bossy. But who knows? Maybe I’ll eventually figure out that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, but it sure doesn’t feel like it right now. Right now I feel…stuck.
I’ve heard it said that your true calling lies where the things you are good at intersect with the things you are truly passionate about. Well, I have yet to find that common ground.
Things I’m good at include listening to people’s problems, reading books, baking way more cookies than I can possibly eat, and making craft projects–as long as they include very strict directions for me to follow. I’m not quite as good if I have to use my imagination. (These things do not include dancing, killing bugs, keeping my apartment clean, networking, or parallel parking.)
I am truly passionate about my friends and family, the St. Louis Cardinals, Harry Potter, coaching and playing volleyball, and writing. (I am not at all passionate about drinking beer, playing mini-golf, or going to the dentist.)
So where does that leave me? Well right now, it’s left me looking around thinking, “What’s next?”
Where am I meant to go from here? I don’t knowww. I don’t know what I’m doing and, quite frankly, it’s making me whiny.
Oh! That’s another thing we can add to the list of what I’m good at. I bet you I could get at least four people to write me a letter of recommendation about how good I am at being whiny. Although I’d probably have to whine at them before they’d actually do it…
But this not knowing thing–it really is making me crazy. I need to do some serious thinking about how I’d like it all to go. Figure out how to turn into one of those people who just gets it. Just knows where their life is headed and how they’re going to get there.
I’m sorry. I know I’ve kinda written about this before. Is it some sort of unspoken rule of blogging that you aren’t allowed to complain about something, not really do anything to try and make it better, and then complain about it again?
God, I hope not. Because I want to keep writing about it. I want to keep forcing myself to think about the words in hopes that something will strike a chord and fall into place. (Plus I already like this post a lot better than that one.)
I want a life that challenges me. Pushes me beyond what I ever thought I could do and makes me a better person. I want to have the chance to put a spin on this world that is characteristically mine. And figuring out what my thing is…that’s my first step to making that happen.